My Poker Face

Lady-Gaga11For the last month or so I have been having a rest from performing, I act you see. I do local am dram shows and shows with my college as well as the odd favour for a friend. I sing as well, mostly just musical theatre but you’ll find me in a band or a solo concert every now and then. The thing is; I hate performing as myself. I find it much easier to immerse myself into a character…it’s such a cliché but I really do believe it’s what gives me the confidence to get up on stage and loose myself.

Many people turn to me and ask how I can fully get into character whilst in a wheelchair but I just don’t think of it like that, it just disappears and a lot of people say that they don’t notice the wheelchair whilst I’m performing anyway…whether this is just them being nice is another story!

The reason I started acting in the first place was because I used to act differently in everyday life. I would be in the car with my parents and start talking in an American accent, or be sitting in my bedroom talking to myself, making up scenes on the spot to an invisible audience, for no particular reason. When I was in year eight at school I enrolled in drama classes. It was a massive release for me and really changed me as a person…I went from having no friends to making plenty, most of whom I still see to this day. I was quiet and reserved before I started acting and now, although I’m still naturally shy as a person, I feel I have gained an inner confidence… or is it an inner acceptance?

My Gaga (Grandad-long story) asked me today “What do the audience want from a show?” and I replied “They want to be engaged and immersed in a form of make believe” It made me realise that maybe this is what I do every day. I changed when I started acting, I made new friends and cut my hair but the question which keeps eating me up inside is: Is the ‘new’ me just another character in my pocket? Or did I actually become myself by pretending to be other people? I don’t know, I really don’t and I worry sometimes that one day, my mask will be knocked down and the real me will come out again. Will my friends still love me then? Bloody hell, this is deep eh?!

I’m still talking to myself by the way, although I’ve graduated from the mirror in my bedroom to talking to myself whilst driving late at night through abandoned towns….I swear to god one day someone will see me and report me and I won’t be allowed to drive anymore; it’s bad enough that I tend to sing Lady Gaga at the top of my voice whilst driving, god knows what people will think when they realise I talk to myself as well. Hopefully they will understand that it is my way of working things out and understanding how people think.

My Mum thinks I’m quiet at the moment, that I’m not telling her things, the truth is that I’m just trying to work things out in my head, I’ve suddenly realised that I’m in a wheelchair; that I can’t just go and sleep round my friends house’s, that I can’t go out and get drunk every night and it hurts; it really does. It feels like someone’s chipping into my well crafted character and telling me I’m interpreting it in the wrong way.

I’m constantly telling people to be themselves but I’m so frightened that I’m the one I should be telling that to…and I’m not listening.

Ali x

P.S. For those of you who are interested: Yes I love Lady Gaga, she’s the only chart music I listen to, the reason I love her is because everything she does is a stunning performance….and yes another reason is the fact that she is someone else when she’s on stage, watch her perform, it’s a beautiful example of some ones Poker Face (see what I did there?!).

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One Response to “My Poker Face”

  1. Willabe Says:

    Yea I sort of know what you mean about the self acceptance thing. I’m gay and still “in the closet” *I find that phrase really outdated* (well my mom knows but I knew that she wouldn’t care anyway so that wasn’t a worry) and I hate that I can’t just be myself around people. It’s not that I’m scared that they won’t except me it’s more about what I’LL think about how they’ll act around me kind of a thing. I don’t know how to explain it really but it’s more my own issue then anyone else’s ya know?

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